As a widow, I am passionate about sharing lessons learned. My husband passed unexpectedly. Fortunately, we had all the essential legal documents. My adult daughters now have the essential legal documents. Without these documents, you may not access your adult kid’s records or speak to a medical professional.

No one enjoys imagining our children in a situation where they are incapacitated. It’s unnatural, and frankly, it’s depressing. But it will exasperate a tough time if you cannot access your adult kid’s records or speak to a medical professional.

It’s why my daughters have essential legal documents for those what-if moments.

Understanding Legal Documents

Legal documents help protect and carry out your interests and assets as you wish when you can no longer decide for yourself. In addition, these documents are crucial legal tools that help ensure your family and loved ones are well cared for and managed according to their wishes. In this article, we will discuss the importance of legal documents, the essential legal documents every adult child should have, and how to ensure their legal documents are legally binding.

Why Do Young Adults Need Legal Documents

Legal documents play a significant role in every aspect of their lives. Whether you have a child leaving for college or already out of college, these documents protect their rights, assets, or interests.

It is a complicated topic based on their experience. I get it. Young adults tend to believe they are immortal. That changed with their father’s passing. It creates a lot of anxiety just thinking about another tragedy. When I explained what could happen without these docs, they understood. I certainly don’t want them thinking in fatalistic terms. What I want is to be able to protect them just in case.

Even in the most delicate situation, such as your adult child having an anxiety attack or breaking a bone, you, as their parent, have no legal rights to their health information if they are 18 or older. Barring being with them in person, if you are calling to listen in on a medical conversation, the medical professionals are not legally obligated to let you listen in on the call.

Essential Legal Documents

There are several legal documents created for different purposes. The essential legal documents that every young adult should consider having are a Last Will and Testament and young adult power of attorney (health, finance, HIPAA, and FERPA)

Last Will and Testament

A Last Will and Testament is a legal document outlining a person’s wishes regarding their property and assets after death. It helps the surviving family members divide the assets per the individual’s wishes. Ensuring that a will is legally binding secures the beneficiaries of the individual’s assets.

Power of Attorney

A Power of Attorney is a legal document that gives another person the authority to act on someone else’s behalf. They can use these documents for various purposes, such as managing financial matters, paying bills, and making health decisions.

These documents will give your adult children the coverage they need. But, of course, if they have a more in-depth financial portfolio and even involved trusts, it may require an additional layer of legal protection.

Health Care Power of Attorney

• Decide who will make health care decisions.
• Control end-of-life treatment decisions.
• Make choices regarding health care providers.
• Gain access to private health information.

Finance Power of Attorney

• Direct who will manage bank and investment accounts.
• Carry out financial tasks.
• Manage insurance policies, taxes, and benefits.

HIPAA Release Form

• They are designed to cover all healthcare providers
• Allow healthcare providers to share medical information.
• Have A Discussion With Your Adult Kids

I can only advocate for their best interests with a power of attorney. However, should they be faced with an unexpected illness or accident, the thought that I would have to waste crucial time for a court to appoint a guardian or conservator to handle decisions quickly is disconcerting.

How & Where To Get A Young Adult Power of Attorney

The Young Adult Powers of Attorney costs $79 through Mama Bear legal forms. Use the code HaveUHeard to get 20% off. For $63.20, I now have peace of mind that I can execute their wishes should the situation arise. It’s not being a pessimist; it’s being responsible.

Peace of Mind

What my daughters and I experienced when their dad passed away was traumatic. Personally speaking, it was one of the most challenging moments in our lives. So I wholeheartedly understood why my daughters initially did not want to discuss the topic. But they finished theirs when I explained what would happen without these documents.

It provides peace of mind for me knowing I will be able to be there for them should the situation warrant my being in this terrible position.

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Being the caregiver for your aging parents is complicated. It requires patience, compassion, planning, and tough love.

With our dad, it was a slow transition from having to step in to take care of his needs. It was sad to lose a piece of him each day. With our mom, the transition has not been as smooth. Requiring her to relinquish control has been met with hurt, anger, stress, frustration, and guilt. We are sharing the many lessons learned from caring for our aging parents.

The Sandwich Generation

Several years ago,  I wrote about The Sandwich Generation. Since then, we find ourselves jumping from crisis to crisis. I am hardly alone when it comes to being a caregiver for our elderly parents. So many of my friends are being pushed to their limits. We all are facing unique complications.

Current Situation

A year ago, we celebrated our mom’s 90th birthday. She was healthy-ish and of sound mind. What a difference a year makes. We never thought she would make it to 91 after a fall and hip fracture several months ago. Ironically, she had a check-up five days before her fall. Her doctor congratulated her on becoming a nonagenarian. (someone who is in their 90’s). And, he added, “you have your wits about you, so you’ll probably live until 100.” Her response was an annoyed “That’s just great.” And, he said, “Just don’t fall and break your hip.” Of course, that’s exactly what happened. You could not make this up.

Statistically, we know the high mortality of hip fractures in elderly patients. She was in the hospital for over three weeks between surgery and rehab. And she’s not been the same since. She has begged us to let her go. As if by waving a magic wand, she will get her wish to be done. My three sisters and I want her to live in peace, even if that means her mortality because she does not want to be here. Some days are better than others, but it has been very tough for her for the past five years.

I know we are not alone in witnessing our parent’s diminishing health. We’ve been through this before, but the story was different. We watched our brilliant, kind, compassionate, gentle father disappear a little more each day from Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson’s. With our mom, it is harder to watch her become more and more depressed.

Fu*k It

My sisters and I have done everything within our power to make her life easier and more joyful. Fortunately, she stays home and has 24-7 care, some paid for with her long-term care policy. The alternative is an assisted living facility, which she will have nothing to do with.

She has her 94-year-old sister, the most positive, happy person, living around the corner. Our aunt has amazing energy. We attribute her health and happiness to her participation in life by calling friends, seeing family, and reading.

Our mom’s primary care physician suggested she speak with a psychologist about her depression, take anti-depression medication or move into an assisted living facility.

I addressed these solutions with our mom, who refuses to consider them.  During a call with her doctor, he said, “Let her do what she wants. ” Actually, what he said was, “then let her do whatever the f*ck she wants.” And we agree… to some extent. Except she has fallen five times in the last eight years, all but one fall resulting in surgery and going from part-time home aides to 24/7 care. Ultimately, we are still left with the stress of picking up the pieces.

Let Her Be

But nowadays, we are often biting our tongues and letting her be. The truth is that many seniors closer to the end of life don’t want to do anything to help themselves. Intrinsically we have no issues with wanting her to live the remainder of her life on her own terms. The problem with that is when her safety is compromised. It impacts the entire family.

Some important context. We all adore our mom. She is among the strongest women we know; we are blessed to have her still around. Unfortunately, she is a huge fall risk due to her lifestyle, diet, and lack of exercise. We have begged her to use a walker for years to minimize her risk. The result of five falls and four surgeries has taken its toll. So we are not being callous when we say let her live life on her terms. I honestly can’t say I wouldn’t feel the same way she does. It is hard to imagine falling and breaking bones, having surgery, and months and months of physical therapy. Frankly, I’d be depressed too. Perhaps being of a different generation, I would be open to taking anti-depressants or talking to a therapist. Watching your body break down is depressing. I think she feels she is being punished. And that is the last thing we want her to feel.

I’ve Had A Good Life

My sisters and I hear this from our mom all of the time. She is vocal about being ready to move on after living a good life. She does not want to live the way her life is right now. I do get it. Between her injuries and the pandemic, her life is lonely and isolating, and she has a lot of physical limitations.

And we cannot will her to want to live. She has her mental abilities, minus short-term lapses, but nowadays, she rarely gets dressed, puts make-up on, calls friends, or goes out. She sits in a recliner all day, bored, depressed, and lonely. Part of this has to do with her need to use a walker at all times. She calls it her appendage and hates it. Says it makes her feel old. I have told her how lucky she is that for almost 91 years, she has not had to use a cane or walker. And there have been many other physical and mental changes, which she finds degrading and upsetting.

Plus, she knows the expense associated with her care. She told us that she and my dad worked hard to save money to leave us when they were gone. But the cost of around-the-clock care is eating much of that away. We don’t care, but there’s nothing we can tell her to convince her otherwise.

Paranoia and Delusion

Another trait that the elderly display is paranoia and delusion. For instance, our mom often verbalizes that people are stealing from her. My friends experience the same beliefs from their elderly parents.

The worst approach is invalidating their beliefs, often making them frustrated and agitated. I find myself making comments like, “I believe you believe they took (fill in the blank).” And even when I find the item(s), she claims were stolen, her retort is, “they brought it back.” The saddest aspect of this is they are not even valuable items.

That’s not to mention how it makes the aides feel. It is painful to watch a mom who taught us to treat everyone like we would want to be treated treat her aides rudely. This is not who my mom is. There have been many cringeworthy moments that are shocking. We know the aides, and they are doing their jobs. But because our mom resents them being there 24/7, she is combative. There is no easy solution.

Where’s the Manual?

Certainly, there are many books about caring for aging parents. They all offer sound advice, but until you are in this position, it’s hard to imagine our parents becoming not our parents.

I often advise my friends whose parents are still in their early eighties and starting to show signs of physical and mental impairments to start planning. The first step is talking with siblings and relatives to anticipate what future care they may need.

Anticipate Their Care Needs

One of my sisters is a CPA specializing in elderly financial planning. Another specializes in trusts and estates. A third is a nurse. And I am the one with the most flexibility when it comes to time. So we did everything we could to anticipate our parent’s needs as they aged. But nothing prepares you for crisis mode.

The time to discuss your parent’s future care is today. Legal documents must be signed, including POA and DNR (if their parent’s wishes about their health care have been verbalized), trusts, and wills. The DNR and copies of the Designation of Healthcare Surrogate should be posted on the refrigerator.

I recognize none of us want to have these discussions. We certainly planned ahead, yet it is extremely stressful with every crisis.

Who Will Address These Other Important Issues?

Other important issues that you will need to address include:

Driving – We knew my mom should not be driving anymore due to a vision health issue. This is by far one of the most difficult subjects to bring up. Many seniors associate driving with independence. Unfortunately, some will have repeated minor accidents or can no longer drive responsibly. When it came time for our mom to renew her driver’s license, our state required a vision test. Since I am the one who takes my mom for her eye exams, I knew there was no way she would pass the exam. Fortunately, she did not, and her license was confiscated. She was so upset and angry, but it made our job much easier.

Activities of Daily Living – They are more commonly known as ADLs and represent life taste and skills required to care for oneself independently. This includes hygiene (bathing, showering), dressing, mobility, and feeding themselves. Once they have trouble completing these skills independently, it may be time to change their care. There is a difference between ADLs and IADLs. IADLs include the activities they do for themselves in their home, including cleaning, housekeeping, laundry, managing money and medications, meal preparation, grocery shopping, transportation, and being able to use a telephone or computer.

Start With These Questions

• Do you know what your parent’s wishes are if they are unable to make medical decisions?
• Where are important documents, such as long-term care policies, insurance, wills, or financial statements, located?
• Do you have the authority to take over their finances if they can no longer manage money?

What Are Their Care Needs

With my dad, we eventually had aides around the clock. Each time my mom has fallen, it has required additional care. I am here to tell you that even when prepared, it is overwhelming. Whether a sudden health crisis like my mom’s or a progressive illness like Alzheimer’s, Dementia, it often means escalating care.

If you are fortunate that your parents have a long-term care policy, there is still an elimination period. And the cost of home health aides continues to increase. Do your parents have the financial ability to cover those expenses, often thousands of dollars per week? One family member may be in a better financial position to assist, and another may be able to give more of their time.

Med Alert

We have moved in and out of full-time care with each of our mom’s falls. Once she completed therapy, we respected her wanting to cut back on care provided she wear a med alert when by herself. The issue with the med alert is that our mom will not press the button when she falls.  She reasons that the EMS workers will break her front door. I know it is hard to fathom that is her concern. She dragged herself across the house to call my sister or me before calling 911. Even after we explain that there is a key in a safe buried outside that only EMS workers is given access to. Nope, she would rather wait until we get to her house, which is at least 30 minutes away.

Family Dynamics

Communication with your siblings is critical. Without discussing who is in charge of what, resentments may occur. Caring for an elderly parent will change the family dynamics. When I would always see my sisters when they were down visiting, now many of their visits are to cover for us when we go on vacation.

Put On Your Oxygen Mask

The most important lesson we have learned is that in order to support our mom and be there for her, we have to start with ourselves. Watching our parents get closer to life’s end is emotional enough. It is hard to see our mom’s sadness even though she has a supportive, loving family. I know I have done everything I can to help her. Still, some days, I cannot continually watch a person who has always cared and preached about personal hygiene and looking their best, not get dressed or even attempt to look their best.  Nor is listening to negativity, false accusations, and rude treatment of her wonderful aides. When that does happen, I give her a big hug and kiss, tell her I love her, and then go home to practice some meditation, exercise, and breathwork.

At the end of the day, taking care of your elderly parents is difficult and challenging. It truly takes a village.

The post What We Learned About Caring for Our Aging Parents appeared first on HaveUHeard.com.

Pre-Booking

She is flying a week in advance to spend time with her family. Since this is a multi-city trip, we coordinated our return ticket. Easier said than done. We did manage to secure a great price with an upgrade to business class because this trip is 16 hours each way.

We each booked through different third-party providers. Our first flight change happened because our connection in New York was departing 10 minutes before we even arrived. How does a major third-party provider book a trip that way?

More Complications

Since our booking, we have seen five changes to our flight. Most of it has been on the domestic leg of our trip. We would change that, only to be contacted with another canceled domestic leg. The amount of hours we have spent on the phone changing the itinerary is enormous. Each call takes a minimum of one and a half hours if we are lucky.

It is difficult to fathom an airline canceling a leg of a trip four months in advance. These are major routes, not a small regional airport or city. I am leaving the first week of September. They have told us there is no flight with their domestic partner from New York to Miami. Really? Not one? We have been booked on at least four, only to have them canceled.

Where We Are Now

We have our return trip from overseas to New York. It’s in New York that we are being abandoned. Her provider told her that no return flight was available from New York to Miami. She is left alone to find a flight home from New York on her dime.

My provider offered me an itinerary that had me flying separately from my friend with three stops. They had me crisscrossing across many cities. That is not acceptable. After an almost three-hour call that I escalated, they were able to put me back on her flight.

With less than a month until my departure, I continue to receive calls and emails from my booking provider. I am already aware that my flight home from NYC has been canceled. Every flight from NYC on the international, domestic partner airline has been canceled.

Now, getting to New York on a non-stop flight is more important to me than getting to Florida. We purchased a flight home from New York on another airline the following day. On the bright side, I will visit my daughter in New York.

Tips for Handling Chaotic Air Travel

With less than 4 weeks to go until my departure, I half expect there will be additional flight changes. Here are tips for dealing with the complications of traveling:

1. Document every call you make. Write down the name of the person you spoke with, the date, and the time.
2. Use the travel apps, including your third-party provider and the airline, to screenshot your flights. You may need this information down the road.
3. Treat the representative kindly, especially if going through a third-party provider. Yes, this can take anywhere from an hour to close to three hours of your time. I get it; there are many things I would rather be doing. But I have learned to put my phone on speaker and work while hanging on. It is the fault of the airlines, not the third-party representative.
4. When calling after you learn of a change, do your research. Look up all other available flights. Limited inventory is given to providers like Expedia, AMEX Travel, etc. But, if you know the flight numbers and that there are seats available, that will help. Advocate for yourself and politely ask the customer representative to advocate for you.
5. Canceled flights are not the only complication these days. There is the issue of lost luggage, especially with connecting flights. Invest in a tracker. I recommend AirTag.
6. Consider bringing a weekender bag with a change of clothes, just in case. You can read my top 10 travel item recommendations for other suggestions.

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It is that time of year. My closest friends choose an inspirational word or meaningful intention for their upcoming New Year.  Their word is made into a bracelet of their choosing. The idea came from a 2013 Today Show piece on making resolutions.  Resolutions can be complicated. People choose to give up, quit a bad habit, add good habits, be more present, and so on. Oftentimes, those resolutions are broken pretty early on in the year.

I love looking down at my wrist and having a daily reminder. Words of inspiration can be based on manifesting positivity, celebrating all life has to offer, pursuing a goal, moving forward, or living life to its fullest.  They can also be based on overcoming a challenge or a passion you want to explore, let go or improve upon. 

Words Have Power

In 2014, a few of my friends and I selected our own word for the year and had it made into a bracelet from MyIntent.  My word that year was based on finding direction. I was feeling stuck and confused. Clarity popped into my mind. Manifesting ideas, questions, and thoughts out into the universe is complicated. You may visualize a specific outcome, but the universe may deliver a different outcome. That year, my life was forever altered.  To say I got clarity is an understatement. From that year on, I  understood the power of words. 

What About 2023

Some years, picking a word comes easy. It’s about manifesting a desire and intention for the new year. Last year (2022), it was Pause. Pause before speaking, carefully gathering my thoughts. Pause my multitasking, as, according to my adult kids, I suck at it. And pause when the noise in my head gets too loud. That’s my signal to take deep breaths and regain my inner calm.

I love both My Intent and Little Words Project’s mission. The founders of both companies are very philanthropic, raising money for good causes.  LWP has a year-round initiative supporting causes they love. Each bracelet returns 25% of the net proceeds to a different nonprofit. I just bought their Be A Light bracelet. Twenty-five percent of proceeds through Dec 26th support the Jewish Federation of North America to address the rise in antisemitism. My Intent gives funds and raises awareness for their favorite causes. They collaborate with organizations that share similar beliefs for intentionality and impact.

For my 2023 word, I begin manifesting my word in November. My intention for 2023 is to Imagine. Imagine the places I’ll go. And I imagine myself spending time learning new ways to express my creativity. Perhaps I will revisit the book I started to write in 2014. Of course, my putting this word into the universe does not mean that the universe won’t deliver in a way I would not have imagined (there’s that word again). But I am excited to replace my 2022 bracelet with my 2023 one.

How to Pick A  Word

If you are searching for inspiration, look on MyIntent or Little Words Project and this list from Heather Stillufsen.

Giving this to my friends is the ideal gift with intention. They can either stay with MyIntent bracelets or go with Little Words Project. They make great gifts for birthdays, holidays, and pretty much any occasion.

Do you choose a word? I’d love to hear yours and why you chose it. Leave me a comment, or email me if you’d prefer.

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Eight years ago, my husband passed away unexpectedly. If this experience taught me anything, it is important to have ALL of your legal forms. Life became complicated enough, but without his will and health directives, having access to financial institutions, his medical background, and business assets would have been unimaginable. As it was, I had to jump through so many hoops with legal docs.

After he passed, I updated my legal docs. My daughters mean the world to me. This is why it is important to me that they have the proper legal docs.

Why Should You Update Your Legal Docs

There are many reasons why you should update your legal docs. Reasons include:

• Death of the person in your will as a guardian or you are widowed
• Divorce or marriage
• A child reaching the age of eighteen
• Change in guardians, personal representatives, or trustees
• An increase or decrease in the value of your estate.
• Change of residency to a new state. State laws may have legal requirements for a will or guardianship.
• The passage of time. Legal documents should be reviewed every three to five years or if there is an important change in your life, such as the death of a spouse.

TBH, my daughters should have their legal docs created now that they are in their twenties.

What Are Your Legal Rights With An 18-Year-Old?

HaveUHeard that once your child reaches the age of 18, they are considered a legal adult. Without the proper legal forms, you do not have access to their financial, educational, and medical information. Hopefully, you will never need access, but you should have a plan in place just in case. Every adult 18 years or older should have these legal forms. It was not until my daughters were in college that I learned how crucial it is to have access.

• Health Power of Attorney Documents
• Finance Power of Attorney Documents
• HIPAA Release Form.
• Living Will

Mama Bear Legal Forms

Mama Bear was started by two best friends,  Niel Nielson and Kelly Loneman. Niel is also a State and Trust Attorney. When their first daughters left for college, Niel recommended they both have a power of attorney just in case they had an accident and needed help. It wasn’t until three years later at a tennis banquet for one of Kelly’s triplets, that a doctor at their table told all of the parents the importance of having Power of Attorney documents for kids before they leave for college.

Based on current privacy laws, it is essential to have a POA signed so doctors like him can talk to parents if their adult children cannot speak for themselves.

Kelly and Niel had the idea of creating an easy way for parents to create these documents. The name idea, Mama Bear Legal Forms, came from Kelly’s wife. Within a few weeks, the company was up and running.

Get Your Legal Forms Executed

Creating or updating your will or vacation POA doesn’t take long or cost much. You can do it in 20 minutes from the comfort of your own home at a convenient time. And right now, you can save 20% with code Mamabear20 at checkout.

Mama Bear Legal Forms provides law firm quality, state-specific documents that are easy to create, simple to download, and incredibly affordable.

We’ve teamed up with Mama Bear Legal Forms to provide a Young Adult Power of Attorney package.  The package includes Health Power of Attorney Documents, Finance Power of Attorney Documents, and HIPAA Release Form. The pandemic created a rush to update your legal forms. It most certainly lit a fire under me to revisit my forms. My adult daughters, like many, only need basic forms. Consult an attorney or a law firm for those requiring more extensive and detailed legal forms.

As someone widowed at a young age, having our legal forms in place gave me access that I may not have had in the event of a health emergency.

Of course, we all hope we will never need these forms. However, it is better to be safe than sorry.

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For those of us who have lost someone, as the date of death approaches each year, it is triggering. Recently, I read an Instagram post from Amanda Kloots on the second anniversary of her husband’s passing. She shares a story that changes her perspective on the day. It’s a very interesting perspective. Amanda Kloots’s reframing of that day as her husband’s “new birth” day instead of his day of death has allowed her to bring a positive light to an otherwise sad day. I think I will try that this year.

The Anniversary of A Loss

The anniversary of a loss conjures up memories of that day every year. It doesn’t matter if it is the first year or the 8th, like the upcoming anniversary of my loss.  Most people I know, whether friends or acquaintances, even some family members,  don’t recall the date like they would a birthday or an anniversary. There are no Facebook reminders of the significance of that day.

I choose not to post anything online. It’s not that I wouldn’t appreciate the acknowledgment from my FB friends. I know some in my situation post on their date of loss. And that works for them. Perhaps hearing words of comfort gets them through the day. It is a very individual and personal choice

How I Feel About the Day

There has never been a way to avoid that day. Ironically, he and my daughter were both born on the 9th, albeit in different months. And, he passed on the 9th so 9 is a very strong number for our family. When the day arrives, I find myself going through every minute of that day wondering what I could have done differently. Each detail of that day comes flooding back. It feels like it happened yesterday. I remember exactly how I felt that day both physically and emotionally.

It isn’t done in a “let’s torture myself” type of way. It’s more complicated than that. Rationally, I know that there is not a thing we could have changed about that day. And any should of, would of, could of moments are irrelevant because the outcome is still the same.

Time To Reframe the Day

Personally, I have always dreaded the month, week, and day leading up to the 9th because I know it’s coming. I tend to put way too much negative energy into that day. But reading Amanda Kloot’s post has made me rethink how I may approach this upcoming anniversary of his passing.

Instead of lamenting the day, perhaps it is time to reframe the day as his “new birth” day. Amanda Kloot’s post, which you can read in the link above, recounts a friend’s story who had a dream where Amanda’s husband comes back on his day of passing. She shares  “Last year on this day my girlfriend told me about beautiful dream she had. We were all at a party and Nick was there looking happy and radiant. When she asked him why he was there he said, “What do you mean? Today is my birthday. It’s the one day I get to come back and celebrate with everyone I love.”

I cannot say that my husband will appear on the 9th to me or my daughters on that day. But what I can say is that he has made his presence known since his passing. Anyone who has experienced a visit from someone can relate.

It is often a string of subtle reminders that gives me the sense he is visiting. This particular visit involves a specific song, the name of a random acquaintance known to both of us coming up that day that we have not spoken to in over a decade, and the beep of a smoke alarm (not a battery situation). The fact that it was Father’s Day weekend and my daughter was visiting from out of state provided a strong incentive for him to visit.

Time Does Fly By

It is so unimaginable to think that we are approaching eight years since his passing. When once time painstakingly crept by, now it just seems like it has flown by. So much has changed since that fateful day. Deep down inside, I believe he is aware of how far we have all come. And, he is proud of us for moving forward and living our lives.

So, on August 9th, we will honor him and like, Amanda Kloots so eloquently stated, celebrate with him on that day.

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It’s official. Roe v Wade is overturned. Five judges changed that. The leaked documents were a precursor to what was coming. Roe v Wade provided women with the fundamental right to choose. This law has existed for almost fifty years.

As a Jewish woman and a mom to two daughters, several nieces, and a grand-niece, I worry for their future.

Where Do We Go From Here?

I have never known a world where a woman did not have the right to choose. Perhaps I have taken certain rights for granted. Now, I worry about other rights being taken away.  Supreme Court Judge Clarence Thomas states that SCOTUS “should reconsider” contraception and same-sex marriage rulings. We should worry.

I read that we are being alarmists to believe other rights are at stake. The same concerns were raised during the confirmation hearings for Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett. After Friday’s vote, we should take these comments seriously. Where do we go from here? States are scrambling to enact their abortion stance. Thirteen states with trigger laws on the books will outlaw abortion or inact strict abortion laws. Other states have passed laws that outlaw abortion at various stages in a pregnancy.

Some states will protect a woman’s right to an abortion. But, where we go from here is complicated. It is a divisive issue whether you are pro-choice or pro-life. By having states make their determination, it opens up pandora’s box. For example, women in states like Texas, Alabama, and Missouri will be forced to travel to other states to seek an abortion. Who will pay for those costs?

By making abortion illegal, abortion will not go away. It will become more dangerous and have significant impacts, as my family experienced.

What Can We Do?

We can march. Write to our legislators. We must vote in state elections. In a symbolic gesture, the Senate took its first-ever vote on the Women’s Health Protection Act. As expected,  it failed along party lines. Both of Florida’s state senators voted Nay. Only one is up for reelection in 2022. Make it your mission to educate yourself on your candidates’ positions regarding policies you support.

Florida’s current governor is also up for re-election.

For state laws and national laws, elect those represent your beliefs.

More Government. What Financial Impact Will It Make?

This will have the greatest economic impact on our most marginalized. The Republic Party’s position has always been for reduced social programs. I find it astonishing that Senator Marco Rubio is now sponsoring a bill to protect mothers and their babies. He has stated that he will introduce the Providing for Life Act which will be “sweeping legislation that will address some of the funding needed to support low-income women and families.” This includes:

• Expanding the child tax credit for working families.
• New parents can pull some of their Social Security savings forward to finance time off work.
• Increasing funding to the special supplemental nutrients for Women, Infants and Children program (WIC).

Expanding the WIC program and many other programs expands government, the antithesis of the Republican Party’s position. Who will pay for these programs? Raise taxes on the middle class? Personally, I  am not against taxing the wealthy to pay for social programs. However, Republicans oppose raising taxes on the wealthy.  And they oppose big government.

What About The Separation of Church and State?

As discouraged as I feel today, I know we must continue fighting. To demand an end to gender discrimination. And fight for separation of church and state. The Bill of Rights starts with “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.” That is interpreted as the Constitution requires separation of church and state.

The ambiguity of that line makes recent Supreme Court decisions complicated. In Carson v Makin,  the Supreme Court ruled that a Maine program that excludes religious schools from state tuition violates the free exercise of religion. Here are the specifics of this case. In my opinion, the decision further erodes the separation of church and state.

Additionally, on June 26, 2022, the Supreme Court ruled that the First Amendment rights of a high school football coach were violated. The coach was fired for praying at the 50-yeard line after games. Again, I have no issue if someone wants to pray whenever and wherever. As long as my rights are not violated.

Much of the rulings are couched in Christian beliefs. Take abortion. As a Jewish person, I know that Judaism allows abortion when the pregnancy endangers a woman’s life. Additionally, aside from Orthodox Judaism which opposes most abortion aside from those mentioned above, Jewish law does not legally consider a fetus deserving of equal protections given to human beings until the fetus attains the status of a full person only at birth.

My issue with state tuition for religious schools is that taxes fund this. Religious schools are exempt from paying taxes. So why should they receive monies without paying taxes?

As far as the football coach praying, I honestly do not care. But, players must not be forced to participate. It is just another example of the erosion of church and state.

Support Organizations That Support Women

In addition to voting, you can support and donate to organizations that support women. These include:

Planned Parenthood

Plan C

Jacksons Health Organization

Center for Reproductive Rights

NOW (National Organization for Women)

Support Companies That Are Covering Travel Costs for Employees Who Need An Abortion

Many US companies are supporting employees who may need an abortion. Personally, while I laud these companies, it is a complicated decision. You can read the June 27, 2022, updated list.

Some of these companies’ motivations are not always altruistic. It is a smart business decision because the participation rate of women aged 20 years and older, adjusted seasonally in May 2022, is 58.3% of the labor force. The impact on hiring and retaining employees and customers forces corporations to take a stand. What I find so interesting is that many of these corporations have previously supported the candidates voting against women’s rights.

Vote, Vote, Vote

Based on recent Supreme Court rulings, it is easy to believe that our opinions do not matter. Most Americans favor a more balanced outcome to Roe v Wade, not a complete ban. Just as the majority of Americans favor and support common-sense gun control. In both of those cases, our voices did not seem to matter. Nevertheless, anyone of voting must educate themselves on what the candidates support and vote for those more aligned with their beliefs.

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Abortions Date Back Long Ago

The year was 1931. A family member found herself pregnant. It was the time of the Great Depression. This person was ashamed and mortified to find herself pregnant with a third child. They did not have the money to feed a fifth family member. And they had lost their business because of the depression. With abortions being illegal, many women went to secret places for an abortion. This relative was given a pill to take. Call it ignorance, naivety, or desperation, she took the pill, hoping to abort the fetus.

Only she did not end up having a complete abortion. 8 months later, she had her third child. This child is also a family member.

The Results of Taking this Pill

Women looking to end a pregnancy had nowhere to turn. But this story gets more complicated. It is believed that this relative was carrying twins. The surviving fetus absorbed some of the tissue and was born with two uteruses and four ovaries. This resulted in extremely heavy monthly periods that would last well over 10 days. Remember, she had two uteruses, so when not pregnant, she bled profusely, having both shedding their lining.

A Lifetime of Health Effects

This story gets even more complicated. She did not always know when she was pregnant because she always experienced bleeding. At 28 yrs. old, she was already a mom to a three-and-a-half-year-old and one-and-a-half-year-old. She was not trying to get pregnant. They were using contraception at the time. After a car accident with her husband, they were taken to a hospital. During the examination, she learned she was five months pregnant. Why did she not know this? Because she still had a period.

The exam revealed multiple fetuses, including some that may have been lost due to the accident. But she would go on to carry identical twins.

Where Does This Lead Me

My point is that my family has experienced the results of what happens when abortions are illegal. It does not mean they are not performed. But there are many risks when women have to go to secret places to obtain an abortion. In the above case, it led to a lifetime of health issues.  I am grateful that for most of my life, abortions have been legal. So this startling news leaves me worried for my daughters, nieces, great-nieces, and future generations.  I 100% respect other women’s decisions, including many women I know.

Florida’s Abortion Position

Living in Florida, I have already seen the restrictive abortion laws they are passing. Did they anticipate getting to where we currently are? Possibly. I don’t know, but the timing of all these states having trigger laws in place or already passing some of the most restrictive and cruel abortion laws seems rather suspect.

It is difficult to fathom that in 2022 we are still having this discussion. Worse is that women having any say over their reproductive rights is being challenged by men. It infuriates me to my very core.

Are You Really Pro-Life?

Since every person is entitled to their own opinion, I don’t have an issue with a person being against abortion. Don’t have one. But many of the individuals I know that are pro-life are also the same ones that fight for the right to bear arms and fight to not follow some of the scientific protocols we’ve all experienced during the last five years.

Being from Parkland, Florida, home to the worse high school mass shooting, I find it unconscionable that we cannot pass nationwide gun reforms. In fact, in my very state, which also saw 49 people killed at a gay bar, we have a governor that wants to pass constitutional carry legislation that allows people to carry firearms without a government permit.

How is that pro-life? If we cannot pass common-sense gun laws that protect innocent children, why are we passing anti-abortion laws?

What about affordable healthcare, access to contraceptives, child care availability, and wage discrimination? These go hand-in-hand with protecting and supporting women and children.   It is the antithesis of pro-life.

Following Science & Religion When It Supports A Narrative

Using science to support views only when it speaks to a narrative you believe is hypocritical.

Case in point: We all witnessed the backlash as it applied to the science of wearing masks during the pandemic. Many claimed it infringed on their first amendment rights. Yet here we are with the possibility and probability that Roe v Wade will be overturned. The Fourteenth Amendment prohibits states from making laws that infringe upon the personal autonomy protections provided for in the first thirteen amendments. Before the Fourteenth Amendment, a state could make laws that violated freedom of speech, religion, etc.

Furthermore, most that are for overturning Roe v Wade use Christian teachings that state that life begins at conception. As a Jewish woman, our Torah and Jewish law expressly permits abortion and has always prioritized the health and safety of the woman over the potential for life within her. The First Amendment says that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

What Can We Do?

Like millions of pro-choice people across the country, I cannot stay on the sidelines. After the mass shooting in my hometown, I did attend the March for our Lives rally in Washington, D.C., with my daughters, who had graduated from that high school.

It is important to me to set an example for my daughters. This includes voting in every election. As women, we owe it to ourselves to vote. To support candidates that align with our views. And to call or email congressional representatives and voice your opinion. We may not win the battle, but we cannot give up our fight.

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In Pursuit of Happiness

“The Happiness of Your Life Depends Upon the Quality of Your Thoughts.” – Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor

I’m not naive to the notion that happiness is hard to achieve for many people. It is often a work in progress. I am not referring to those whose mental and physical struggles make it challenging just to be happy. But, if I have learned anything from being widowed is that being able to find happiness again requires controlling my thoughts.

A Shift In Perspective

If you were to ask those that have experienced loss, they would state that they had a shift in perspective. Suddenly the more minor annoyances in life seem less annoying. What angers many people is trivial. I’m talking about the small stuff like a car cutting you off. Or losing your keys. Minor irritation stuff. Once you realize how fragile life is, you can be happy knowing you are able to move on and appreciate life. Because you have learned how fragile life is.

Happiness Comes From Within

To be happy, you have to be happy with yourself. Are you a kind person? Virtuous? Do you live your life with grace and gratitude? I’d be lying if I said that I’ve spent my entire life being happy. It has taken me many years to understand that to be happy with external influences starts with being happy with yourself. And only then can you find happiness in the company of others or through travel, shopping, and other concrete objects or experiences.

Find Reasons to Be Happy

There was a time when I did not believe I would laugh, smile, or be happy again. But through family and friends, therapy, meditation, prayer, family, and affirmations, I began to find reasons to be happy. Mainly, I was alive, and I still had plenty of life to live. One quote I read, and believe me, I was on Pinterest ALOT, was “Happiness is not the absence of the problems. It’s the ability to deal with them.” That comes from Steve Maraboli, a decorated military veteran and philanthropist.

So I started to compartmentalize the overwhelming noise in my head and broke my day into moments. If I found five minutes in an hour to be happy, I celebrated those moments.

A Happy Home

Normally, I am a very calm person. That changed after I became a widow. I found myself experiencing anxiety and malaise. Sure, I was dealing with a lot, but I knew I needed to create a happy space at the very least. It was crucial for the place I spend most of my time to be peaceful, balanced, and happy.

That involved moving and eliminating much of the clutter from our old home. I am a minimalist by nature; my husband was not.  I focused on using natural colors and soft tones. First, I did a remodel of my new place. This was the very first home I owned by myself. I scoured Pinterest and Instagram for inspiration. Next, I incorporated some color. Blue & green are soothing colors. Blues were used on pillows, candles, and vases. Green plants added to the calmness I needed.

And you will not find any clutter in my home. By creating this zen space, I accomplished a happy home.

Add in Happy Thoughts

Throughout my home and in my wardrobe, you will find symbolic ways I find happiness and tranquility. From the many bracelets, to my happy socks from Yllw the Label, dressing for happiness is a state of mind. It is a fairly simple expression of the self and can alter your moods. Although most of my wardrobe is monochromatic, I add yellow, blues, and greens. You will also find framed affirmations and artwork throughout my home.

I recently started following Nikki Miles on IG. She is a British illustrator and author and the publisher of Be Kind, be Cool, Be You!! It is a little book of happiness filled with over 150 pick-me-up and inspirational messages. Ignore the age 5-8 yrs part. I framed some of the messages and gave them as gifts to my daughters and my niece. There is no age limit to inspiration.

If you purchase a floating frame like the one I purchased, you can use two different messages. I purchased a black and white 8 x 8 floating frame. That gives the recipient, or myself, several uplifting messages.

Helping Others Find Happiness

“Those who are happiest are those who do the most for others.” – Booker T. Washington.

To live a life of service to others is to live a life. I recognize that even though my journey has not always been happy, helping others brings happiness to me. Sometimes it is random acts of kindness, and sometimes it is more purposeful.

Studies show that giving to charity makes us happy, especially when choosing what or how much to give in both time and money. Sure, I do indulge in purchases for myself that make me happy. But I also temper that by helping others.

Don’t Worry. Be Happy

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Not even 24 hours after the Texas elementary school shooting, politicians on both sides of the aisle began posturing over gun reform. Digest that… less than 24 hours after 19 children and two teachers were massacred. Only a few politicians spoke about it being time to compromise to end the mass shootings, the most impassioned coming from Senator Chris Murphy from Connecticut. Even  Warrior’s coach Steve Kerr’s statement at the pregame press conference was more heartfelt than some of our politicians.

“What Are We Doing?” and “When Are We Going to Do Something?”

To be clear, I live in Parkland, Florida, and am very much aware of the impact and toll that mass school shootings take on a community. I’ve lived in Parkland for 16 years. My daughters graduated from Marjory Stoneman Douglas. They had friends who had siblings in the building during the mass shooting. And teachers they came to know and care about. While I may not have known any of those that lost their lives that day, it did not change the grief and sadness that enveloped my entire community and me that day.

Call it naivete, but I truly believed our country would make changes and pass sensible gun reforms after Columbine. And Sandy Hook. And Pulse Nightclub. The Route 51 Harvest Music Festival. And then again, in my hometown in 2018. We even went to the March for Our Lives in Washington, D.C. because I thought, finally, there will be policy change.

But here we are, over four years later, and still, I am asking, like Senator Chris Murphy, “What are we doing?” Or like Steve Kerr, “When Are We Going to Do Something?”

Why Can’t We Get Common Sense Gun Reform?

Washington politics is dysfunctional when it comes to gun reform. It’s because they postulate the idea that there is only one solution. What if they were to listen to many solutions? But they both stand their ground and again, no policy change.

The rhetoric for change that seemed deafening is replaced by another news cycle. There are no mutual concessions; therefore, nothing happens.  Gun legislation was introduced after Sandy Hook took the lives of 20 six and seven-year-olds and six adults. Most were defeated. Think about that. 20  six and seven-year-olds were killed, and, it still was not time for compromise. This year marks a decade since that horrific mass killing.

There are those still serving, as well as new congressmen, that do not seem to understand the meaning of compromise. To work with their constituents to meet in the middle. It was long past the time for compromise after Columbine, Sandy Hook, Virginia Tech, Parkland, and San Antonio. After Uvalde, it is ABSOLUTELY time for compromise.

Common Sense Gun Reform

Here we are at the end of May and there have been more than 200 mass shootings. Of course, it involves mentally unstable individuals. I mean, a person would have to be mentally unstable to commit these atrocious acts. Some have fallen through the cracks. Some were never on anyone’s radar. Mistakes were made at Uvalde. Before any carnage was committed, opportunities to confront the shooter did not happen. Unfortunately, the could of, should of, would of will not bring back those who lost their lives.

While I accept that there is not one specific solution that will prevent every mass shooting, there are some reasonable solutions that should be passed on a national level.

• Raise the national age to own a gun to 21. It’s so baffling to me that the age to buy alcohol legally, gamble legally, book a hotel on your own, go to a bar or club, and even legally buy cannabis is 21. Why can we not make it a national law that to own a gun, you must be 21 years of age.
• Pass universal background checks. And allow those conducting background checks on unlicensed people a minimum of five days from the current three-day requirement. I’d like to see 10 days but I’m open to accepting a compromise.
• Military weapons, which I cannot fathom why any normal citizen needs, should require a more stringent background check of a minimum of 10-14 days. Personally, I’d like to see them banned by anyone, not in the military, police, or other professionals that give them training.
• Anyone who is eligible to purchase a weapon should have to renew their license every 5 years. This would allow those that suffer from a mental illness that puts them at a higher risk of harm to themselves or others to not fall through the cracks.
• Limit the amount of ammunition a person can purchase. Why is anyone, let alone an 18-year-old,  allowed to purchase 375 rounds of ammunition?
• Universal red-flag law. The red flag law uses risk protection orders to remove weapons from people deemed a threat. This law was passed in Florida in the wake of the MSD shooting. Of course, we had a different governor and congressman at the time. As of this writing, Florida’s governor wants to pass constitutional carry laws.

How A Mass Shooting Changed Our Community

There but for the Grace of God, I did not have kids at MSD at the time of the mass shooting. But I have a daughter living in NYC that has seen its share of shootings, most recently on the subways. And I have three family members that are teachers. The MSD shooting forever changed our city.

The effects trickle down. First and foremost,  it impacted an entire student population that was in the school that day and their families. Many of them will suffer from PTSD for most of their lives. The sound of a car backfiring or fireworks easily set off a panic. The residual impact was people who moved away from our community, the first responders, and medical personnel who treated victims. And then, it was our entire community that lived with a black cloud hanging over our collective city. A city that most never heard of prior to February 14, 2018.

So yes, there is a cost to that. Not just financial, because money doesn’t take away the pain. But the mental cost. We are a resilient community with many new residents. And while we have found a way to move forward, every Valentine’s Day is a stark reminder. It is not something you forget. But back then, I truly believed that this time would be the time for compromise.

Vote

As long as these mass shootings continue, I will continue to vote out those that are doing nothing. Our congressmen cannot afford to be complacent when it comes to gun reform and policies. They have one job to do and that is to make time to compromise with their constituents that hold different views and opinions for the betterment of our entire society.

I am angry, frustrated, and saddened that our schools are still soft targets. That is not to mention grocery stores, places of worship, movie theatres, and concert venues. What about our personal freedom to peaceably assemble and practice our religion.

Media trucks roll in and take over our towns. People coming to pay their respects. Crosses and Star of Davids appear with the names of the deceased. Flowers, candles, stuffed animals, and posters adorn each site of carnage. We get to meet by name, the victims, and learn about each of them, as we should.  But then, another story, possibly another mass shooting, dominates the news cycles and our congressmen go home.

We can’t afford to remain on this hamster wheel. We just can’t. That is why our votes are critical. We need changemakers. And politicians who bring common-sense policies around gun reform.

#NeverAgain

The #neveragain hashtag trends after each mass shooting. Perhaps we should change it to #again. Because that is where we are. Again and again and with more frequency.

I Am Tired…

I am tired. Tired of watching communities being torn apart. And, tired of politicians playing armchair quarterbacks to fit their narratives.  At synagogue, I now look for the closest exits. Kids feel the same way at school. My God, active shooter drills should never have been the answer to our children protecting themselves from mass shootings.

On June 11th, 2022,  I will once again participate in March for Our Lives and pray that our congressmen find time to compromise and institute policy change. At least, give the American public a fighting chance.

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