How to Make Moving Back a Positive Experience
Moving back in with your parents after college is not new. I moved back home after graduating from UF for many reasons, the main being financial. My parents even charged me rent (scroll down to see how much that was and how they handled it) So, when our daughter graduated from college without a job, she moved back home with us. We were nervous and she was nervous. Our concerns mainly centered around how her new independent self would take to living back home with rules. Should we have rules? Should we charge her? Will she go back to helping around the house?
Her concerns centered around probably the same things – “I’ve been on my own for four years, now I have to live with my mom and dad and their rules?” “Will they charge me?” “Will I get a thousand questions every time I go out?” “ I will say it led to some serious conversations between us and then some serious conversations with our daughter. Here are some recommendations that worked for us:
Expenses
Because she did not have a job right away, obviously we were not going to charge her rent. Even when she did get a job, she was not making very much money. We approached it differently. We would pay for food, room, and board but not her social fees. And, if we felt she was not putting money away every paycheck and spending it on what we considered to be unnecessary purchases, we would implement a rent payment. As I said at the top, my parents charged me rent and then, when I did move out, gave it back to me. They were trying to teach me to save for a rainy day. Our daughter saved a lot of money. So how long, after moving back, did she live at home?
Length of time they will be living with you
This conversation was fairly simple. She made it very clear that she wanted to get her own place and not live with her parents by the time she turned 25. She did not care what kind of place she could afford or how many roommates she would have to have; she was very firm about that timeframe. So, some of you are doing the math and maybe thinking, she lived at home for 4 years? Yes, she did. We had a personal family situation that derailed a lot of our plans so having her home during that time had such a positive impact. We got to spend time together but it was different because she was a young adult and so it was a way of reconnecting and reestablishing a grown-up parent-child relationship.
Establish some ground rules
The last thing we wanted was for our house to feel more like a hotel than a home. We talked about the fact that I had to get up for work so she could not be coming home in the wee hours of the night, especially during the week (I am a light sleeper). Would she be sleeping out?
We asked to be kept informed if she was not planning on coming home and sleeping at a friend’s house. Just common courtesy for all of us. But what if your student has a boyfriend or girlfriend? Will they be allowed to stay over? We talked about expectations as it applied to living back at home. I love to cook so having her at family dinner was a treat. Again, we had discussions about meals. I would leave her leftovers if she had to work late but would not be holding off dinnertime based on her schedule. If she ate out, that was on her but as far as stocking the refrigerator, I paid for that.
She did her own laundry and paid for most of her dry cleaning, toiletries, and other small expenses. I understood she was not making a lot of money and I looked at it more as a gift to her. She had a great opportunity to really build up her savings so when she did move out, she would have plenty to set up her place.
Every situation is different
Your family may feel differently; there are no right or wrong approaches. Each family dynamic may require a different approach. My point is that you should have a conversation just so expectations are out in the open. I am happy to say that she moved out right after her 25th birthday as she said she would. I truly feel like it solidified a new dynamic between us. Her sister graduated this past year and they both moved to New York and are living together. Since my younger daughter did not have that same opportunity to save money, she had better job opportunities out of state so I did help her out financially just to get her on her feet.
I have never felt taken advantage of (trust me, if I did, my generosity would stop) and they are both appreciative of being given some help to start off on “adulting.” Other friends had shared how they handled both a student moving home or helping a student who moves out of state. And, while I may not have agreed with how they handled it, I did take some of what they did and implement that in our family.
We’d love to hear from other parents as to how they have handled their students moving back home.
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